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There is a psychological phenomenon known as the 'confirmation bias,' where we are inclined to discard all evidence that does not align with our views and only keep those that do. "I see this a lot in marriages and dating relationships, where there's always one person who's feeding the needs of the other person.And with a potentially toxic person, they have worked to create a false positive impression to worm their way into your heart. He could be all that -- the sleekest toxic people are. One person is giving and giving and giving, and the other person gives one back. And the other selfish person is typically fine with their needs being met.Past relationship history is key to understanding their behaviors, as is the way they talk about past partners.If everyone in their past was 'crazy,' that is a huge red flag. If the date says one thing and does another, look deep into yourself and tell yourself it will only get worse and walk away. Look in the mirror.” ~Byron Katie As I was listening to other women talking in my support group for battered women, I had a life changing moment. So, as I was sitting there in the support group, I realized how I had given my power away to someone else and that I had to take responsibility for neglecting myself. If I had stayed in the victim role, I would have continually attracted the same kind of guy, who in reality would just be reflecting back what I felt about myself. It was time to break the pattern, and break the pattern I did. I gave myself the love that I was looking for, the attention I was craving, and permission to feel happy and have an awesome life. Pay attention to your internal dialogue about yourself.I caught a glimpse of myself and where I was at in life. It didn’t happen overnight, and it’s been quite the journey, but it amazes me that since I’ve raised the bar, the people that show up in my life are on a much higher level. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and say “I love you.” Believe it. There’s no going around it, what you think become your reality.When it comes to love, our society romanticizes intense, controlling relationships so much that it can be hard to recognize them for what they are.We have centuries of romantic literature and other art — from — telling us that real relationships are all about obsession, that real love is all-consuming, and that people who are truly in love have no boundaries or separate lives.
Example: Old belief: I’m not good enough, and I can’t be happy. Act as that person now, and aim to do this consistently. I did attract lots of nice guys too, but I would break up with them or find them too boring.
But while all that obsession may make for an absorbing romance novel plot, in real life, control, manipulation and obsession aren't signs of true, passionate love — they are signs that your partner is controlling and manipulative.
Many of us have been educated about the signs of a potentially abusive partner, and while escalation from control into outright abuse is something to be concerned about, the facts are that being in a controlling and manipulative relationship that never escalates into abuse can be hurtful and damaging, too.
In most cases, it's all about control and taking away your independence." Being controlled or belittled by a partner can do lasting damage to our self-esteem, make us fearful about entering future relationships, and leave us with a wide variety of other emotional wounds that we shouldn't have to deal with.
So while you may be more familiar with the most common signs of an abusive relationship, like a partner who forces you to dress in a certain way or forbids you from interacting with family or friends, there are other signs that your relationship is controlling, manipulative, or unhealthily obsessive.
When we imagine someone trying to cut their partner off from their support system, we usually picture something dramatic, like the villainous husband in a made-for-TV movie telling his wife that she'll never talk to her best friend again.